


5-7 raccoons in a trenchcoat pretending to be a functional human while their designated American gets drunk

by commonghost



Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Crack, Explicit Language, Kinda?, Swearing, i mean they curse like sailors, its just them doing dumb shit together what more do you want, or as much as they can be while being themselves, other than that its just kids being kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:14:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24629122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonghost/pseuds/commonghost
Summary: SPOILERS FOR NIGHTSHADE!Other than that, this is just Alex fucking around with Freddy, Sofia, and Tom.Edit: Changed it to a one-shot because I had no more ideas.
Relationships: ALRIGHT LISTEN HERE FUCKERS ITS JUST ALEX AND THE NUMBERS DOING STUPID SHIT, Alex Rider/Freddy Gray | No. 9, Also Tom and the Numbers doing stupid shit
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	5-7 raccoons in a trenchcoat pretending to be a functional human while their designated American gets drunk

**Author's Note:**

> Listen. You know what this is. You clicked on it. This isn't serious. It's barely respectable as is.  
> Just enjoy it, you sluts.

The mission was going fine.

No, scratch that. It was going _great_. Alex hadn’t had his cover blown even once, hadn’t made any irreversible mistakes, and hadn’t had any near-death experiences or been tortured. Yet.

Though, of course, most of this could be attributed to the fact that he had two unsettlingly competent teenage assassins backing him up, and Sofia is a lot more terrifying than any crazy billionaire Alex has ever faced in past missions when she’s mad.

And Freddy would probably kill Alex himself if he got their covers blown. He was a romantic like that.

Nonetheless, Alex was still just a few steps from the edge of having a mental breakdown. They had come to keep tabs on a certain man, and they were, quite possibly, the best people suited for the task, considering he was a teacher.

So they were sent to this hellhole of a boarding school, in the middle of Buttfuck, Nowhere, and if Alex didn’t get out of this place in, oh, say, _the next three minutes_ , he was going to _punch something_.

“Don’t,” Freddy said from across the library table.

“What?! I didn’t even say anything!”

“You had that look on your face,” Sofia chimed in, walking to a seat at the same table.

“ _What_ look?”

“The one that tells me exactly what piece of drywall you’re gonna punch through,” Freddy snapped back, “So sit your ass down, don’t be a Kyle, and just take a deep breath, idiot.”

“Did you just call me a fucking _Kyle?_ ”

“Yes, he did, now do your homework, asshat.”

“There’s no way you know what that means! You’ve been out of the hospital for, what, a couple of months? Absolutely the fuck not.”

“Calm down there, Kyle, wouldn’t want to knock over your Monster, would ya?” Freddy teased him.

“It’s water, you ignorant _slut_.” He whisper-shouted to the boy sitting opposite.

“Would you two kindly _shut the fuck up?_ ” Sofia seethed from two seats down.

Alex and Freddy fell silent.

__________________________

“ _Oh, you fucking asshole!_ ” Alex kept his voice down, trying not to attract attention to them. “ _Of fucking **course** you speak Japanese!_”

“ _Well, there wasn’t really a time where I could’ve just talked about it_.” Sofia barely acknowledged his comment, her lips twitching into a smirk. “ _What are you, jealous?_ ”

“ _No, of course not!_ ” Alex barely managed to keep his voice down to a whisper. “ _And you could’ve said it at literally **any time** , you know!_”

“ _Shut up, golden boy, they’re talking again!_ ”

__________________________

“Hey, Alex?” Freddy stared at the sky. They’d snuck onto the roof and sat up looking at the starts.

“Yeah?”

“You know I love you, right?”

“ _ **FUCK OFF-**_ ”

Freddy’s laughter eased a little of the emptiness inside Alex’s heart.

__________________________

“Well, _this_ is a steaming pile of horseshit.” Alex didn’t bother to try and contain his sigh.

“Well, said, golden boy, well said.”

“Let’s get back to Jones, then. _Fucking hell_.” Freddy added nonchalantly.

“Still hard to wrap my head around the fact that my mom is also my boss.”

“Oh my god, Sofia, pull a power move and just sorta “okay, mom” her in the middle of the debrief.”

“That’s not a power move, golden boy.”

“It isn’t?”

“Just shut up.”

__________________________

“ _imsofuckingtiredalexhelpme-_ ”

“Stand up on your own, Freddy, I’m not your fucking armchair!”

“Hey guys, my mom’s still at work and can’t pick me up.”

“Well,” Tom said. “It seems we can use this... _unique_ opportunity to get to know each other.”

“The fuck? Why? I already know enough about Golden Boy over here and me and Freddy basically shared the same mind for a good 14 years.”

“Yeah, but _I’d_ like to get to know you guys!”

Was he- _oh for fuck’s sake!_ \- Sofia pitied him. Just a little. She might as well just make it obvious now.

“I’m gay, Tom. Very, very gay. So save your advances.”

Tom went red.

__________________________

“Are you guys okay? I heard you from out in the hallway.” Jack peered her head through the door of Alex’s room.

And immediately wondered why she had ever agreed to this.

Sofia and Freddy were seemingly dying on the floor of laughter, Alex barely containing in his howling at 11 at night, and Tom was pale.

Very, _very_ pale.

“Yeah...yeah...we’re...we’re fine. Just a meme.” Alex added, though not without effort of trying not to break into laughter.

Jack stopped for a second.

“Show me.”

__________________________

Ben Daniels wasn’t quite sure what to make of...whatever the fuck _this_ was. He was sent in to help Cub with an arms dealer, and he would’ve done so and not asked any questions…

_If it weren’t for the fact that there were two other **children** there as well._

He had, obviously, asked what the _fuck_ was going on, and had only been rewarded a side glance by the only girl and a snort from the last one.

“Alright, Cub, explain. Because we both know damn well that ‘6 isn’t going to do that, so tell me, what the _bloody fuck_ is going on here?”

Cub sighed.

“It’s normal, Fox, just get used to it.”

“Get used to MI6 using _children_ for their operations? I don’t think so. You, I can somewhat understand, but _other _children?”__

 _ _“__ Fox, let me introduce you to my partners. The first one here is Sofia. The next one is Freddy. They probably had 7 ways to kill you by the time you walked in.”

“It was 12, actually,” The girl, 'Sofia' Ben’s mind provided, added, not glancing up from the files. “Though, I mean, we were trained for it.” Ben shot her a worried look. “Not by MI6. By...others.”

“Others? And who might that be?”

“That’s above your clearance level, Fox. Now shut up and help us, will you? We’ve got an arms dealer on the loose and about to be on the run and we gotta stop that before it even happens. Alright, anyone got any ideas? Any at all? Freddy?”

“Can’t I just shoot him?”

“ _No!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, how was it?


End file.
